San Francisco Apartment Hunting: The Local's Guide

05 July 2010

Photo © Jamie Foster

One million people, 7x7 miles and hills means someone’s on top and someone’s raking in the shit. Your place in this San Francisco apartment hierarchy depends on monthly income, credit history, and sheer cunning. SF’s a competitive city to live in and that’s why we come here. With July-September being the highest period for apartment turnover in The City, do your homework before going to battle against trust-fund babies and junior partners.

Here are 10 rules of thumb to get the most for your money and find a place you can stay in for 10 years (and milk that rent control baby!). If you snooze, you live with a crackhead and 3 rats in a basement apartment. So get your game face on.

1. Be a baller. Tidy up that employment history, salary report, and bank statement. Make yourself look financially stable with a nicely embellished letter from Boss Man, The Rents, or whoever else can vouch for your monthly income. A little white lie never hurt nobody (and it’s the least they can do for paying you $3.25/hr under the table).  

2. Write yourself in. Doctor up a quick cover letter with a photo of your potential roomates so the landlord remembers your name, face, and semi-normalcy.

3. See with your ears, not with your eyes. The most promising Craigslist ads are those without photos. These are the private landlords who aren’t too savvy with technology but highly reliant on personal connections. Their rent is cheaper, places bigger, and maintenance more dependable. (Before making an appointment, quiz the landlord on size, closets, windows, washer, and eat-in kitchen to get the full picture.)

4. Be a sweetie-pie. Show up in nice dress, all smiles, and ditch the bikes. Hold hands with partner or giggle with best friend to show your good nature and healthy relationships.

Photo © Jamie Foster

5. Be a backstabber. Accept every offer that is given to you and gamble pending applications till the victor shows himself. Real estate agents are no saints so why should you be? Play the game and get the gold.

6. Push paper. Hand over an attractive folder containing organized paperwork at the first viewing. Arrive with credit report, proof of income, drivers license xerox, and cover letter prepared in a professional folder.

7. Be nimble. Be the first to call on an ad and be the first to see the place, on time. Blow off work, school, friends, and sex if it means you’ll make that narrow 15 minute window to snag the gem. After 12 or 15 tries, you’ll find The One.

8. Know who’s callin. Use cloud computing to record landlord names, phone numbers, addresses, dates, and notes so you know who’s calling and why. Share that Google Doc with your potential housemates so they can cover when AT&T drops your call.

9. You’re in for life. Whether you plan to stay for 1 year or 50, give the impression that you won’t be moving till the cows come home. Landlords don’t want to lose money, time and hair by interviewing new tenants every 12 months so make them believe you’ll stick around till the Apocalypse hits.

10. Be Obama. Sure, you’re a solid guy/gal. But we all have some skeletons in our closet- and they should stay there. Be diplomatic. Be marketable. Mentally prepare for the interrogation of “How much do you make? How long have you worked there? Why did you leave your old apartment? Will you be a pain in my ass?” And remember Rule #1- be a baller.

Happy hunting!